We'll quit invading coutries most Americans can't find on a map.

Biz Markie will sing the national anthem at the inauguration

Free taffy for everyone!

There will be a run on Ritz Crackers.

The numbness in my testes will FINALLY disappear.

Cuba Gooding Jr. will NOT receive a full pardon for making "Daddy Day Camp".

Wanda Sykes will reveal that she is, after all, white.

Nell Carter will rise from the grave...and exact her revenge.

Dolemite will be named the Secretary of Bad Assery

Fielder's Choices won't count as an at-bat. That makes no sense.

Elmers will sponsor the ambulance that treats horses that get hurt on racetracks.

Hillary will know how to take a clue.

Microsoft will make quality products. Err. Maybe

Every eating establishment will serve coke zero

There will be a national Renaissance Festival day in America.

Mr. President will greet all of his foreign guests with cans of "peanuts."

Knight Rider won't be driving a stupid Mustang.

This guy will come after you.

Rush Limbaugh will begin his second career by pushing a diet book centered around Van Camp's® Brand Pork & Beans and hate.

Ashton Kutcher will make Nikon commercials that make sense.

Hubba Bubba will market Manute Bol flavored bubble gum.

The two-step will add a third step.

Al Gore will be known as "Weird Al" and will make parodies of the internet and global warming..

Wars will be fought over who gets front row seats to Tina Turner concerts.

you'll sit back and wistfully remember joining Facebook. So long ago (in interleks years).